For oh, so many reasons and for oh, so many years, the idea of physical pleasure – and when I say physical pleasure, I mainly refer to sex (if anyone was wondering), was completely un-interesting to me. I had way too much stuff to deal with to even consider it. To the greatest of lengths, I avoided it.
When I find myself under the Victim archetype, I have all sorts of negative, destructive feelings about myself and my body. None of them are very flattering, nor are they sexy or appealing to anyone.
Now that I intend to transform into this other archetype, I want this to change. I want to feel comfortable in my own body. I want to feel and be attractive and sensual.
But there’s more to it than that. Given my childhood, with the relations I had with my parents, I have also developed an enormous fear of being close to someone. Why? Because of what love has meant to me; love is greedy, love is consuming, love in general, is destructive. Therefore, the Victim in me shy away and avoid all that.
I want to change that. I want to be a woman feeling comfortable and confident in my own body. I want to celebrate the fact that I have a body. And since I actually do have a body, why not take pleasure in it? Why not share it with someone, and allow myself the freedom to let go? I happen to be a control freak, and I’d love to find someone who can manage to reach through all my layers of control. And for anyone who might wonder; I am not talking about submitting in a D/S-relation with a man. That’s not me (rather the other way around). This has to do with something completely different.
In all fairness; I am not there quite yet. I have, however, begun my journey on getting there. Being comfortable and confident in my body is lacking almost completely – but I am close to seven months into my yoga journey, and that is helping a lot. Sooner or later, I’ll get to where I want to be.
But again; there’s more to it than that. Besides feeling comfortable and confident, I would also like to be that sensual kind of woman. The woman who sort of oozes of sensuality and invitations, without actually inviting. Not necessarily a teaser, more subtle than that. And I want this, only because I have forgotten what it feels like. I have forgotten what it’s like to feel wanted, to be desired, to have a man looking at me with that special look in his eyes.
The sex itself is irrelevant – at least to anyone who’s reading this. 😀 The details, I’ll keep to myself.
As you probably realize, this will be a journey. There is much to be squeezed into this, new insights and understandings, new goals, new agreements with myself, and a whole new attitude to myself. But – I’ll get there, because that’s where I want to be. It’s a bit odd, a bit scary – but I really want to get out of the Victim bubble I’ve been in for too long, so I’ll get there in the end.
Hopefully sooner, rather than later.