It has taken me over 24 hours to get this post written. Bloody hell, I’ve wrestled with how to even begin giving shape to the kind of woman I want to be. I have struggled with angles, finding the language for it, various aspects, but most of all – where the bloody hell to start.
As I was just out walking my dog, I finally came to a solution on where to start. I’m not even sure where the thought came from, but here goes.
I want to be an honest woman. To others, concerning who I am, but more importantly – I want to be honest to myself. In this concept, I’m thinking there are also a good portion of selfknowledge and self-insight. I want and need to know who I am, every aspect of it. I want to be genuine, and I can’t be that unless I’m honest.
But sure, honesty can be scary. It forces you to take a real good look at yourself. It forces you to see every part of yourself, the good and the bad. And sometimes, the bad can be – really bad.
Being honest with yourself gives the opportunity to expand. To grow. To become – more. To be larger than life.
And I want that for myself. I do want to expand. To grow. To become – more.
There are a lot of other good stuff that comes along with this honesty. Strength is one of those things. Pride is another. I can see only upsides of staying true and honest to yourself. It also makes it easier for people around you to see who you are. Honesty removes the need and desire to hide, to lurk in the shadows, it removes those feelings of guilt and shame.
Having lived my life, I have been forced to surpress enormously large portions of who I am. I have been forced to step back, to take guilt and shame for what others have done to me, what I have presented as myself has not been accepted or good enough, et cetera.
Those days are over. I am no longer adapting to what other people may or may not think of me or what I think they need me to be. I am who I am. I realize the edges are raw, but I do feel quite rigid on this matter. I won’t bend, I just won’t.
Instead of continuing on the rather childish road of refusing to becoming something I’m not, I’ll just stick to that honesty.
One of my best friends told me once that one of my strongest qualities is just this – that I am so open and honest with who I am. So this part of being the woman I want to be, is already true. But it is worth remembering, and working on staying that way. But to be quite honest (all pun intended) with you, I don’t think I could go back to what I was.
So I’m going to add a little pride to this post, and state the fact that at least one aspect of the woman I want to be, I already am.