I grew up with a mother who was a covert narcissist. To say that our relationship was functional is to straight out lie. She died twenty years ago, and I am still suffering from everything she wasn’t but should have been, and to be quite frank, a whole shitload of stuff she taught me. One of the most important lessons she taught me is that women are victims.
Lately – the last few days, actually, I’ve been thinking a lot about letting go of things. I wrote couple of posts on one of my other blogs (bipolarblog.se) about this whole idea of being a victim, and that I want to be something else, something more. The other day when I went to bed, I had an experience.
And, as a parentheses – the whole concept of shamanic journeys… It seems like I don’t really need drums or rattles for that.
The experience I had was that I began telling both mom and dad that they have to let go of me. They have to let these ideas and pre-conceptions they have about me, go, so that I can be who I am – not who they taught me to be. Now, I fell asleep before we really got anywhere, but the idea is growing on me.
And yesterday when I went to bed, I came to realize something extremely interesting. Ever since mom died, I’ve shyed away from everything that has to do with her. I’ve not wanted to be any part of anything that is even remotely close to her and everything she was, everything she did or did not do. I’ve wanted to separate myself from her completely, and done so to the extent of my capability.
However. Yesterday, I realized that what she is now is not what or who she was when she was alive. Just as I am beginning to free myself from this victimization, I am actively choosing to believe and see that she’s done that too. I choose to believe that when she died, she shed the layers of everything she was taught to be as a living human, and what remains is – just her. Not her being a narcissist – just.. HER.
And that realization felt very freeing. For as long as I can remember, my thoughts and feelings towards my mother has been tainted by extremely strong, destructive patterns. I can’t remember that I have ever wanted to or been able to see past what she’s been in life. Thinking about her alive gives me the creeps. All I can see is her pride, her self-righteousness and all the other negative things about her. And it’s not a pretty sight.
What came out of yesterday’s experience when I for the first time in my life could see HER, was an agreement that we’ll perform a ceremony together where we’ll release all the layers of everything she taught me on how a woman should be.
And I must admit that I was surprised beyond belief that she was willing. I would never have thought, but then again – I didn’t count in the fact that everything she was when she was alive has gone away, leaving – HER. And an even bigger surprise was that I actually recognized her energy, and I liked it. This has never happened before. Not ever.
I am actually going to do the same thing with dad. While mom taught me I am a victim, dad taught me I need to be taken care of. He took care of all his women, myself included – and me, he took care of as if I was 3 years old. No wonder I’m as fucked up as I am. But he needs to let go of that idea about me, and I need to shed those layers of it as well.
This is completely new to me, the concept of being at peace with my parents. I loved my mom when I was a child, but around the age of 20, I stopped loving her. Since then, I’ve been filled with all sorts of negative emotions towards her. Dad and I loved each other deeply, and I still do even if he’s dead since 4 years. Despite our love for each other, we weren’t compatible and didn’t really understand each other. The older I get, the more I do understand, and I’d like to be at complete peace with him as well.
I never had the relation with my parents that I wanted to. Now, they’re both dead, and I very much look forward to exploring our relationships and find peace, tranquility, support and love through them. It is actually very exciting.
This will be an on-going project until I feel it’s done. An educated guess is that it’ll take a while. And I’ll do it my way – most likely without drumming. Add to that I’ll start trauma therapy in September, and I’m thinking there’ll be some drastic change in me in the future.
This is amazing, guys. ♥