I think I’ve been writing about this before. It’s been so long since I wrote here regularily, I can’t really remember. But I’ll admit to having an interest in shadow work. I do know that I’ve been writing about Hel and Kali as being two deities, or energies, with whom I’ve been in contact with. I’d say those two definitely are considered being on the dark side of the moon.
The other day I wrote a post about how I all of a sudden gained an understanding of the word allow. It may seem far-fetched, but as I see it, that has very much to do with Hel and Kali. To me, these deities are strongly related to change in all its various forms and shapes. And to make change, one needs to allow it to come.
I haven’t been very good at that, specifically. Allowing change. I’ve thought I’ve been, but I haven’t. Not really. One knows what one has but not what one’ll get. And I’ve kept what I’ve known really close, not wanting to let go of it – only because I already know what it’s like.
Change is scary. Frightening. The idea of it can be pure terror and horror.
And it feels like my eyes are opening a bit wider. I commend myself for having an enormously large mind, being able to connect dots that other people can’t see even if I explain it to them.
Now, the dots I’m thinking about at this specific moments are too many to list and explain, but it does open new paths to move forward on.
The shadow work I want to do involves integrating all parts of myself to be ONE. As it is and has been for my entire life, I am cut in several parts. Some of them may have been stolen, particularily from my mother, but also from my father. Others, I cut off all by myself. I’d like to get them all back so I can be truly whole. And you know what? I know already that that whole, complete person that (is) will be me, is an amazing human being. Absolutely bloody awesome, actually.
And before you think it out loud, I do not have dissociative identity disorder. That’s not what I’m talking about (although, since I thought of it myself, it clearly could be mistaken for it). I am talking about the child in me, the mother (could’ve been had I chosen it) in me, the fear in me, the hopes in me, the every part of me, that needs to be re-connected and brought home, right back into my body where all of us belong.
I think I’ll have to use several techniques for this, actually. Beginning in september, I’ll start trauma therapy. I had a shitty childhood, growing up with a covert narcissist, and while I’ve come very far mainly by myself, it still needs to be adressed and helped. The yoga I’ve began is helping a lot. And then there’s the spiritual stuff.
At some point, I think I’m going to do a (or several) journey. It’s been a long time, and I’m a bit scared that it won’t work. But I won’t know until I try, that’s the truth of it. And if it doesn’t work with a traditional journey, I’ll find another way. I’ll write a book. I’ll photograph it. My mind works in mysterious ways (for real) sometimes.
I’m so excited about this. I realize that all of it won’t be very fun. Probably most of it will be terrifying. But it is necessary, and I really do want to reach that whole, complete ME.
I also do have an advantage. I’m not afraid of the darker side of myself. And I most certainly am not afraid of the dark. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve worked hard on befriending it. It’s too tiresome to be afraid – although I am that, too. I’m human, after all, and I’m scared of many, many things. But I am not necessarily scared of myself. Probably the other way around – I’m scared of the lighter parts of myself.
And that’s where the word allow comes in. I am experiencing a shift in myself, where I am beginning to be willing to shed layers and layers again, of old thought processes about myself, old emotions, old everything – and allow some new, good, light, positive things to come in.
So this post didn’t turn out the way I thought it would when I began writing it. But I really am excited about this. Excited enough to, at least for this very moment, ignore the fact that I’m 45 years old and have missed out so much in life because of my background. I have many years to look forward to, and I am going to love being me during those years.