Finding the language is crucial if and when you want to discuss anything. And finding the language – by that, I mean more than just knowing which language you speak (as in swedish or english), but also what some words really means. Finding the language is something that has happened to me couple of times this last year, and I’ll tell you how and why.

The first time I found the language for something was last summer when I realized that the traumatic childhood I had, was due to my mother being a covert narcissist. I’ve known since i was 13 years old, that something was seriously wrong with my mother. But understanding it was narcissism specifically, opened so many doors to knowledge and understanding. I began following couple of Youtube channels focused on narcissism, and it has taught me so much. And although it’s been twenty years my mother died, I still have deep issues buried that needs to be adressed. And now, I have the language for it.

Now, during the Covid-19 isolation, I’ve begun practising yoga. I don’t take public classes, I do this in my living room in front of Youtube (Yoga With Adriene). I’m practising on a daily basis, which is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time but never got around to. On March 1, I was challenged by a friend to exercise daily for 31 days. When those were closing up, I challenged her for another 100 days. These are now up, and I plan to keep doing this for the rest of my life. It’s amazing.

So far, the changes and benefits are coming subtly and slowly. Fast enough for me to see and recognize, slowly enough for me to accept and keep up with them. One of the reasons I’m doing this is because my body is so abused by food-/sugar addiction, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, lack of self respect et cetera. I want to get back into some kind of shape, I want to re-shape my body so I’ll feel more comfortable in it – that I’d have other benefits from it didn’t really cross my mind.

But there are. One of them is – finding the language, or rather, finding the meaning behind the word: allow.

I have for a long time thought I understood the meaning behind the word allow. Only yesterday, I realized I haven’t known or understood at all. I was in my yoga practise, and all of a sudden it struck me that to allow something to come in or come forward, you must shed something else. Shed a bad thought to give room for another. Close one door, and another one opens (isn’t that a cliché, though 😀 ). I’ve understood the idea, but not really gotten it.

But the realization that if I want my new, yoga-trained body to emerge, I need to let go of the over-weight, un-trained body, was really an eye-opener for me. And that’s really where to word allow come in. I need to allow my new body to come forward, to emerge from where it’s been hiding under my over-weight for so many years. And to allow it, I need to let go, to release the layers of overweight with everything that comes with it; guilt, shame et cetera.

This may seem like basic knowledge to just about anyone, but with my up-bringing, there were so many things I never learned. And – with my new, daily yoga practise, it seems like I’m about to learn so many things just by the practise. I’m quite amazed, I must admit. I can’t wait to see what’s next in terms of learning and understanding things. Although I’ve only done this for four months so far, I think that bringing yoga into my life is one of the best things I’ve ever done.

I am of course no expert at allowing things yet. But I intend to be. And just the idea of opening up instead of hiding behind something else, makes me understand on a much deeper level just what allowing really means.

It’s so cool. ♥




This is a blog about my spiritual journey. The focus from january 2019 will be on my entering the shaman path. It’s exciting in every way possible, and I cannot wait to experience more.


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