So, tomorrow is the last 24 hours of 2019. It is just as weird as usual, and I have a number of new years behind my back to form some sort of statistics on that matter. When I was younger, I had rather severe anxiety attacks on every new year – one knows what one has, but not what one’ll get. Fortunately for me, this doesn’t happen anymore – and trust me, I am most grateful.
I am leaving behind a year full of loss. I’ve lost my precious Ella, the german shepherd female I’ve been sharing my life with for the last ten years. I also lost my oldest cat who came to me the same year Ella did. There are other sorts of losses to, who are both inconvenient, annoying and very effective as stoppers on me proceeding with my life the way I want to.
But a whole new year is coming up, and for once, I have the feeling that I get to choose what I want it to entail.
For one; I do know that next year will bring me a dog. A new dog. Another dog than Ella. It won’t be the same, but it will become a relationship of the same strength and power like the one I had with her.
What else on my wish list for 2020!?
Well, I think I’ll keep it fairly simple, actually. Or, perhaps not – depends on how you see it, I suppose.
One of the things I would like to see coming to life, is the where and how I live. That is; I’d like to see myself getting closer to, and actually finding the place and means to live how I like – that is; preferably in the forest, where I can spend my time being creative, engaging in my shamanic practices, and hang out with my furry family.
Another thing I’d like to see this new year, is a shaman drum – to me! I have a drum, but it wasn’t made for shamanic use and that does set me off quite a bit. I get the sound (which I don’t really like for this use), but not much else, and I want more. I am growing greedy these days. 😉
I would also like to continue on the journey of personal growth. I have come a long way for the last years, but I can always go further – and I want to. I want to evolve as much as I can, but I would like to do it in peace and quiet. I am tired of growing from pain and suffering. I would like to experience the opposite, just because it’s possible.
There are things with my personal growth that could be interesting to investigate and experience, but I’ve reached a part of my life where I’m not really that interested. I am talking about love. You know, meeting a man (in my case, since I am too bloody straight for my own good), fancying him, falling in love, having awesome sex, and perhaps finding a way to share our lives in a positive, healthy way. But for some reason, I find that very hard to even imagine. It’s like I am meant to spend the journey of my life on my own.
No matter if the rest of my life will be spent with a man of some kind; new year’s eve will be spent with Molly. I decided many years ago that as long as I have any animals at home, I’ll stay home with them for any occasions where there’ll be fireworks. Even if Molly is the only one right now (even more reason to, actually), I wouldn’t leave her alone during the rather intensive fireworks that usually go on for the last couple of hours of the year.
There will be a ceremony done, however. I have no idea of how, or what kind – yet. I’ve been extremely tired over christmas and the following days, so I haven’t been able to plan like I intended. It’ll be a spontaneous thing, and just as good as any planned event.
Happy New Year, everyone! ♥