For the last fifteen years or so, I’ve constantly lived with pets. I began in august 2004, bringing in my (nowadays) ex’s mom’s ex’s old male cat, soon to be followed by a female kitten. Both black as the night, both of them beautiful. Since then, there has always been two black cats in my home (and for ten years, a black german shepherd female).
Until a week ago. Well, the german shepherd female left me on June 4th, but last wednesday I also lost my oldest cat to age and her not wanting to live anymore.
What I find extraordinary with all the loss I experienced this year, is – well, first of all, let’s go back a couple of months or so, til when I got in touch with Hel and Kali, only to learn that the change I wanted would cost me. And it has. It has cost me two family members to whom I have been very, very close. However; that’s not all. What I do find so interesting is the fact that these two girls I’ve lost, has been so clear with what they want.
My dog began warning me almost six months before it was actually time, that the time we had left was coming to an end. She warned me twice more until we said our final goodbyes. My cat, although not quite as clear, she too has been giving me very strong vibes for the last couple of months.
And who am I not to listen? Who am I to decide that anyone of them would have to live longer than they wanted to, only because I cannot let go?
I think there may be some cultural differences in how people in Sweden do this, and how people in the US do this. But in Sweden, we do not keep our pets when it is clear they suffer, just because we don’t want to let go.
I still have a cat. Molly, as you can see in the photograph above. I’ve always thought that I’d have to be quick in finding her another little friend, but once the older cat was gone, I got a very strong feeling that Molly wants to be alone with me now. She doesn’t want another cat here. She may never want another cat here, that’s for me to find out as we move along.
But for the moment, she wants it to be me and her.
And – and this is where it gets really interesting. I am beginning to see why she wants to be alone with me. Partly because she wants to build on our relationship – but also because she is beginning to tell me the most interesting things.
I am in menopause. I do take hormones for this, but I still have a few days a month where I feel very icky (compare to PMSD, but not even remotely close to that bad). I am having these few days right now, and that includes my chest and heart feeling very tight, and my brain is lying quite harschly to my heart, or if it is the other way around. Molly has spent the entire evening being quite unlike herself, she’s been looking at me funny, she’s been looking around very funnily, being squittish and just – unlike herself.
I can think of only two reasons for this. Either, she senses something is wrong with me, and is trying to tell me that I need to do something about it, or, she’s seeing someone here. If the latter, I am guessing she sees our old cat roaming around. Unfortunately, I cannot see her, but I trust Molly completely. Either way, actually, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason to her behaviour tonight, are both of these things.
Now; I never had a familiaris before. I am thrilled at the prospect of Molly being my first. She’s an adorable cat. She’s rather reserved and doesn’t really want to be lifted or hugged, but she loves to be close and cuddling on her own terms. Up until now, I always saw her as a rather soft cat, but as the days go by since the loss of our old cat, I am beginning to realize that there’s quite the spine in Molly. She is one decisive cat, I must say.
Among the cats and dogs that I have shared my life with, there has been quite the difference in their physical bodies. The first male cat, was sturdy and compact. The first kitten, she was quite the opposite. It was like her whole body was.. like the cells and molecules were very far apart. Like she was created by the sky filled with stars. The cat who left me last week, and the male cat, were very much alike in their physical bodies. Compact, the cells were packed tightly and closely together. Molly, on the other hand, is very much like my first kitten – made of the sky filled with stars (sorry, I can’t come up with a better metaphore).
I cannot even begin to explain how much I appreciate this new ability to communicate with my pets. Pet, since there’s only one of them presently. But I find it exciting and amazing, and I am very much looking forward to where this’ll go.
I choose to see this as Molly taking her right place by my side. That doesn’t mean my older cat had no place here. It just means it’s different now. And while I sometimes find it very difficult to move on from certain things, it does seem easier this time, for some reason.
When presented with the cost of the change I want, I was devastated. I didn’t know how to live in another way than how I’ve lived for the last ten years. But it has been more than six months since loosing my dog, and my life has changed immensely since then. Now, one week away from my oldest cat, life is changing again.
Perhaps it actually is possible to get where I want to be. I am already changing, and my life in general is changing as well. I find myself a bit nervous about it, and at the same time, exhilirated.
So let me take the opportunity to show my gratitude to Hel and Kali. I never thought I’d live through the cost of the change I’m asking for, but here I am. I am still standing up, and that says a lot. I will give it to them both, that cost does changes how a person percieves things. I am also incredibly grateful of Molly stepping up as my familiaris.
Perhaps I am actually learning something I never thought of before.
That, however, will have to be another post. I am tired beyond belief, and I need to get some sleep. Hopefully, it won’t be a month until my next post. Soon, there’s a new year coming, and I’ll want to write something about that. I am thinking of a ceremony of some kind.
Until later, peeps. ♥