So I’ve spent some time, to and fro, thinking about something I read in the book Practical shamanism, by Katie Weatherup. She writes, among very many other things, about cutting cords and releasing ties to what’s behind you. Ancestral work, if you wish. And I realized that for me, this really goes on both sides of my family. There are some really heavy, shitty stuff on my mom’s side, and that’s why it’s so easy to forget that there actually are things that needs to be released and cut off, on my dad’s side as well.
My life has been filled with very heavy loads of shame and guilt. Not only for being the daughter of my mother, but also for being interested in things that she was interested in. I do believe that my interest and whatever skills I have when it comes to any spiritual work, comes from her. My dad, on the other hand, saw any kind of personal growth work (especially if spirituality was part of it) as – I don’t even have a proper word for it. He really disregarded these things. Heavily.
So for most of my life, I have been feeling guilty for my interest in spiritual matters. Guilty, and ashamed. And not only because of my dad and his dislike of the matter.
My dad did not only dislike these kinds of things. He was also a very sceptical man. Not to mention mundane. Spiritual things had no meaning to him. For him, what mattered was if or if not you could pay your rent, eat good food, read good books, and live a good life (which is of course relative, but what was a good life to him).
I have inherited a rather large dose of that scepticism. I am highly sceptical to so much that has to do with spirituality. For example; new age and most of what comes with it, is something that I just find so hard to believe in.
I am, however, not necessarily sceptical to the practise. I am just sceptical – and I also very much dislike the whole hallelujah-moment that very easily arises in larger groups of people who claim they have found the Truth. Perhaps that is why I also dislike the idea of joining a community of shamans outside the Internet. The hallelujah-moment makes my skin crawl.
In all honesty, I do find it repulsive, and I don’t really know why. I just know I don’t want to be in it. The good thing is of course that I don’t have to be.
All of these things combined has created a situation where I feel slightly ashamed of announcing publically that I am interested in these things, let alone practise them.
My personal guess is that I don’t want other people (sceptics et cetera) to feel about me the way my dad (and to some extent, myself) did about spirituality in general.
There is another aspect to it that I find hard to.. not sure of how to express that, actually.
I do have the idea that of all the people who claims to be mediums, shamans, witches et cetera – very, very few actually are. While I do believe that most people can acess the spiritual world, I also believe that very, very – and I mean very, few people actually can do it.
Thinking about it, I realize it probably has to do with my mom. While she was interested in selfhelp, spirituality et cetera, she was a mistress of selfdeception. She had no bloody selfknowledge whatsoever. To me, this is the case with so many people who think they are true to themselves, but what’s really happening is that they are fooling themselves.
This could be a very long post, but to tie the end to the beginning – I think I need to start working on cutting the cords with the shame and the guilt I got from my dad. Not his shame and guilt; these are my own. But since I want this, it’s quite the waste of time carrying all this shame and guilt for liking, enjoying, wanting it, isn’t it? 🙂
Because even if my mom didn’t know how how to grow up and be a woman instead of a child, or be true to herself, I do. At least better than she did. I am not trying to be self-righteous, it’s just fact. And I intend to be proud of that.