I just stepped out of an attempt to a drum journey. Having such bad reception for these where and how I live, it came as no surprise that I found it hard to get in or get much out of it. However, I did get one tiny piece of information.
The whole purpose with this journey was to find out exactly what is stopping me from moving forward with my life. I am very effectively being hindered from moving on, by circumstances years ago, that’s biting me in the arse over and over again. I find it provoking that I am so blind to what the hell is going on, and why I can’t change this monotone path I am on.
I want to change the channel, but the batteries to my control are dead (which, just for the fun RL fact, actually happened to me a while back)!
So the question I went in with was to be shown what is stopping me, in a mirror. Like always, except for the very few first times, I find it extraordinarily hard to focus and stay on the path, so nothing on this journey was given to me in any clear vision.
Further, the information I gave myself, was that there is nothing wrong with my wanting another life for myself (if thinking in LOA terms). There is nothing wrong with my gratitude. I take one tiny ant-step forth, and then ten dinosaurie-steps back. Or rather, I take one small step forward, then I’m being pushed back by society despite the fact I’m trying to do right by myself.
The goal I have is right there. It’s right in front of me, and it could be quite easy to grasp given I get the help (both spiritual and practical) I need. And yet, one thing after the other keeps coming up, very effectively stopping me from moving along.
So what did I see, then?
Well. Remember that I wrote a post about ancestry a while back? I wrote that I don’t really feel like meeting my ancestors, but it seems like I have to.
I did get to see some kind of mirror. It mostly looked like my reflection in a pool of water, but standing up. Looking into that mirror, I could turn my sight backwards, and that’s where I noticed the chains of people hanging on to me. You know; like, holding onto my clothes, my legs, my arms, my shoulder… All the people were made by stone, and realizing that, there’s no bloody wonder I’m not getting anywhere at all.
Now, I have been recovering from my bipolar disorder to a rather high degree. That means that I don’t always need a journey to gain insight. Give me a spark, and my brain does quite a bit of work all by itself. This is what happened now. I thought it may have something to do with mom, but at first sight it seems like much of this is coming from my dad, actually.
My dad’s coming from a line of people to whom material and financial stability has been what matter the most. The whole idea is – as for oh, so many people I’m thinking, that if you don’t have a job, you won’t have any money. And money is the only thing that can give you a proper life. And money is given to you through traditional work.
That’s it. Or, at least in this very moment. I have been aware of this for a very, very long time, since it’s one of the things where me and my dad have had different opinions. I also know that this for a very long time has kept me from going where I want. I did not, however, realize that it was of this magnitude.
This is slightly problematic, and I need to think about how to proceed with this specific work. My whole life, I’ve been different from dad in this respect. I was very young when I first wanted to be an artist (painter, actor, singer et cetera), and to my dad, living as an artist is damn near impossible from a financial perspective. So this idea is buried within me very, very deeply.
It is necessary that I change it, however. The older I get, the more clear I get about the fact that I need to live so very differently from how my dad expected and wanted me to. He has never believed in any spiritual ideas, and I have – for my entire life, although surpressed it for long periods of time where I felt I needed to be like him rather than being like my mom.
Since I was twenty, I always thought I was meant to be a photographer. Wise with experience I now know that’s not the case. I am supposed to work with dogs through energy rather than training, and I am supposed to live in and with nature. There, I am supposed to practise shamanism (although not become a shaman – I have no interest in being professional with this).
And I am freaking out that it takes so long to create this change. I don’t want to die of age (or bipolar disorder) before I get to live the way I want to, and feel I am supposed to. I find it provoking (yes, again) and highly unfair that I am in this position (and yes, it is childish – I allow myself feeling childish every now and then, even when it’s not pretty).
So; I suppose I need to find a way to communicate with my ancestors. Not sure how, though, since I am having so much troubles with my journeys. But; I am creative, so I’m sure I’ll come up with something that’ll work. 🙂
I’ll get back to you on what, and how it went.