Tarot; where I want to go
In the post before last, I wrote about a Tarot card that I’ve learned to like – the Emperor. Today, I am going to tell you about a threesome of cards from the major arcana that represents a combination of energies where I want to go. I’m on my way there, but everything is still very wibbly-wobbly, and I lack parts of it quite strongly – but; I’ll get there. That’s the plan, anyhow.
Photographed with cellphone, sorry for the crappy quality
These are cards from The Spiritual Tarot by Kay Steventon.
The cards I have chosen for this adventure are the Emperor, the Chariot and the Empress. These are energies that I strive to incorporate in my life. I know exactly what is stopping me from executing these goals, and I’ll explain very briefly why for each card.
I have already written about the Emperor, but there were few things I missed out on. Everything that exists is limited. Without limits, there is chaos. Without limits, there is just… nothing and everything at the same time. Try having a job where you can do anything – what will you do? The Emperor, to me, is the energy that provides limits and rules. It is necessary to function in this reality that we’re in.
Through my life, I have been living with a man (my dad) who in so many respects has been a strong ruler over what he wanted me to be – due to the complete lack of rules and limits from my mother. That is the main reason why I never really liked the Emperor at all, until quite recently. Now that I am beginning to find my own self, the limits I need to submit to – limits that make me ME, and that makes me feel good, the Emperor is not as boring and/or scary anymore.
Being in control over the limits I set for myself – well, I do share my life with bipolar disorder, so it’s not always that easy. It’s a bit wibbly-wobbly, but the periods of time where I do, get longer, more frequent and closer to each other. (Compare this to the Tower and let’s see what we think, no?)
And you know what – I like it. ♥
This is a card I’ve had trouble understanding, for a very, very long time. It isn’t until recently that I’ve begun to see the meaning behind it. At least as it presents itself to me. Somehow, I do find it weird – again; I do live with bipolar disorder and I am no stranger of the idea of being pulled in different directions by something I have no control over.
But that’s the thing. To me, the Chariot speaks of taking that control. It speaks to me about steering the wild beasts, and by doing that, taking control of where you’re going. It’s kind of funny, actually, because on the first drum journey I did (when I was let in), I met a giant eagle who allowed me to fly with him. The lesson he taught me then and there was that to create change in life, all you need to do is shift ever so slightly the direction you’re going in. It’s like driving a car – to shift fields on the road you don’t turn the wheel around completely. You just move it a very tiny bit, and the car follows.
The Chariot combined with the Emperor is – yummy, to me, right now.
The Empress is everything that I am not. I read into her, among others, Freya, which is the nordic mythology deity of abundance, sexuality, fertility, fruitfulness, creativity et cetera. When I look at her, I see a free flow of energy right through her, that never ends.
When my mother was alive (she died many years ago), she sucked all energy out of me and my siblings, over and over again (in the matter of minutes, not weeks, months, years) – continously. I’m not used to having that free flow, because I never learned how to do it. When I’ve spent energy, it’s gone and it takes me a very long time to fill up again.
What I want to learn from the Empress is how to be open and available for energy to flow right through me continuously. I want to learn how to be my own source of energy and power, and how to not let anything on the outside get in the way of me doing/being so. But also; trusting that it’s always there and will always work for me. This, too, is something I am not used to for so many reasons.
Finally, I’d also like to learn to trust that all that which is me can actually be fruitful and fertile (I don’t mean having kids) – because my mind keeps telling me that I have no worth, that I am of no good to anyone, that what and who I am is of no interest to anyone, et cetera (the Devil).
These three cards strongly represents the place where I want to be. Limiting my form and shape, knowing how to control my journey, and knowing how to allow myself the freedom of being me without interference. I mean, seriously – wow. The concept is so bloody sexy I can’t believe it. 😀
I feel that I am closest to the Emperor right now. The Chariot I am ever so slowly opening my eyes to, and the Empress is way too far away for me to be happy about it.
You know, I am so very happy that I am doing this right now. I really want it, I really need it – and I bloody well deserve it.
Weird as it may sound, being an adult when you find yourself is actually quite the present. If you never had a problem with anything that’s been going on in my life, you don’t know the terrors that come with not having a solid form or any kind of sense of Self. Now that I’ve had a taste of what it’s like, I get very greedy and want more of it.
Feel free to follow me on this journey. ♥