Like I said in previous post(s), I don’t do traditional tarot readings – especially not for others. I use, mainly the Major arcana, to create visual stories on energy I like to attract. Or perhaps, energies I like to withdraw from. Or.. well, you get the idea. I use the Major arcana, because that’s where the strong energies are, and that’s just how I like to do it.

A destructive threesome of tarot cardsPhotographed with cellphone, sorry for the crappy quality

These are cards from The Spiritual Tarot by Kay Steventon.

When you’re being stuck in the middle of depression, and as in my case, untreated bipolar disorder, it’s very hard to see anything else but misery and disaster. I began learning to use the tarot about some twenty years ago (geeze, how time goes by), and back then, I had a hard time understanding how these cards could be anything but negative. I tend to be, in general, a person who percieves and understands most things in black and white.

It’s either or. No grayscale. No inbetween.

For the last few years, however, I’ve begun understanding that everything has two sides. That’s why I am beginning to enjoy a deeper understanding of – many things, actually. I like it, because to me, it very much has to do with my ability to connect the dots between the one thing and another. I’ll get more into that in future posts.

Now, these three cards shown in the picture above are the Tower, the Devil and Death. As with the rest of the Major arcana, these are three very strong cards. I have related very deeply with these cards for as long as I can remember. Mostly the Tower and Death, and recently, the Devil. I’ll tell you why – and I’ll also tell you why I am beginning to see the other side of these coins (so to speak).

the Tower

The immediate effect of the Tower is quite unpleasant, I’d say. When everything you know is torn down and there is chaos all around you, what the hell do you do? This sense of the card has been my everyday situation since I was a child, until only couple of years ago. Especially the last ten years or so. Everyday. I’m telling you; it is not a pleasant experience.

While the Tower may be torn down, the picture still shows a base which is intact. For me personally, I wouldn’t say this has been the case. Everything that has been me has been torn down and scattered, over and over again, and more times than I care to think of. I’ve been soaring in midst air, lacking form and shape, unable to find my way back. It’s bloody scary, to tell you the truth.

However; the final outcome of the Tower is the ability to reconstruct. And while nothing may be exactly as it was, it is a question of change – and change becomes what you make of it. To me, the Tower presents the opportunity to create what you actually want instead of that which broke – and for that reason alone, obviously wasn’t strong enough to hold.

All this is very true in my life. There are reasons and explainations for every piece of it, upwards, backwards, sideways et cetera, and not all of them are flattering. But that’s how it is.

the Devil

Mirror, mirror, on the wall… The scariest mirror ever. The Devil shows you who you really are. Or perhaps; the reflection of yourself as your worst nightmare. Or the sides of yourself that you are the most ashamed of.

This is what psychotherapy was, to me. A mirror that showed me a lot of things I never dared look at before. I had a very good therapist, and the therapy did wonders for me. Still does, actually, although it’s been couple of years now. But for me, the Devil is one part fear (a large part), and one part courage (large part, too). It is scary as hell, but if you want to be true to yourself and live authentically, this needs to be done.


This card is in many respects, so cliché. When you close one door, you open another. The end is not the end, it is a new beginning. When someone dies, they don’t vanish, they only transform into something else. Surely, you heard all these and so many more wisdoms regarding death. And the worst part is; they’re all true.

I’ve encountered death more times than I care to count. Not personally, but I have lost family, friends and pets on a very high level. I am a strong believer in that noone goes away forever. I am a strong believer that when someone dies, they do transform into something else. I do believe in some sort of “life after death” – but not in any religious heaven. I have had too many visits from people I’ve lost, not to believe that this is true.

This threesome in Tarot cards tell the story of a total lack of control. I’m a control freak, most likely because I never felt I had any control. These are cards I have related and felt a strong connection to for a very long time. At some point, however, it’s time to move on. And you know what?

It is time for me to move on. The last two, three years or so, I have learned so much about myself. Am I totally fixed and fulfilled? Oh, hell fucking no. I still got issues that needs to be adressed and worked through, but if I stay in this place where chaos and change are a constant, I won’t get anywhere but round and around and around.

And that is what my next post will be about; I’ll be using some other Tarot cards to show you where I want to go. The energies I want to have in my life, and why. My own perception of these cards is that they are quite different than these three, and I am excited to see how I can bring them into action in my life.

I’ll see you in my next post. 🙂 Stay tuned!




This is a blog about my spiritual journey. The focus from january 2019 will be on my entering the shaman path. It’s exciting in every way possible, and I cannot wait to experience more.


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