Just watched the latest episode of the Shaman’s Cave, with Sandra Ingerman and Renee Baribeau. The topic of today was ancestral patterns, which is something I find very, very interesting. Given my background with parents who were the opposites of each other, and their families also complete opposites of each other, my ancestral heritage is… quite the contrast, and quite difficult to sort out.
Actually, I’ve written a book about growing up with emotional abuse from my mother. The (e-)book will be released in english in september, and can be purchased here.
So the topic of ancestral heritage and patterns is quite important to me. Especially the part where I get to cut the cord and get to be myself. My immediate ancestral patterns (my parents) are very, very strong, and I have struggled my whole life to free myself of them. It is not until the last couple of years, since my dad died, that I have been able to grow into what I consider to be me.
Being controlled by your parents is, to me, extremely unhealthy. For me, this has been a pattern for as long as I can remember. My mom died one month before my 25th birthday, and as the years pass by I have let go of most of what her presence taught me. However; that does not mean I am free of many of her lessons. I still struggle with worth, value et cetera. My dad died couple of years ago, and although he had some rather destructive (for me) ideas, he is much easier to part with in the ancestral patterns sort of way.
It’s funny, with dad, actually. On my 20th birthday, I was given my full horoscope by friends. Through that horoscope, I learnt that my dad, specifically, taught me a way of life which may not suit me. At the time, since I was still young, I didn’t really understand what it meant. Now, at more than twice that age, I realise that oh bloody fucking hell yes, he wanted me to live in a way that does not suit me. At all.
Now; I am prone to detach myself from my ancestors because I have a very strong need to be ME. I don’t want to feel held back or tied down by my ancestors. I do realize that this has very much to do with my parents, and that I may need to go further back to find things I am ok with connecting to. Or, for that matter, disconnect from. But everything in my life so far seems to be pushing me towards standing strong on my own. I can’t think of anything or anyone who has ever made me believe in a strong, grounded family.
Putting all this aside, however, I am willing to at least make an attempt to do a journey to find out more about the ancestral patterns that might stand in my way. My main goal in life is to be the absolutely best version of myself possible, and if there is anything behind me that might stop me, I want to know about it. If I don’t know about it, I can’t really change it.
Oh, and for the record, this is why I prefer psychotherapy before CBT, any day. To me, knowledge is the core of change.
One of the problems I see in the search of ancestral patterns is that once you go beyond your own grandparents, everything starts spreading into a spider’s web. Every single person who is a parent, has a set of parents themselves. And if you go back for more than a couple of generations, the web becomes very, very big. There are so many patterns in that web – how on earth do I keep track, and see what has set within myself?
I am also debating with myself the question of wether or not I am truly interested in going back to find these ancestral patterns. After all; what is most important to me, is the possibility of being me. While I on the one hand do agree on the fact that patterns of behaviour is passed along, I also do feel that the best thing I can do for myself is to ignore as much as I can and work on creating and forming myself the way I want to be.
Then again, maybe the lack of interest in my ancestral history and the patterns that come with it, is what makes me somehow rootless. I sometimes do feel that I am very alone, and it is very tiresome knowing that the only person who’s there for you, is yourself. Not knowing exactly where you come from doesn’t really do much for yourself being grounded, and since stability and balance are two concepts that are extremely important to me, maybe it’s worth working on my background.
I haven’t decided yet. It was, however, very interesting to listen to Sandra and Renee.