Have I mentioned I am having trouble with my shamanic journeys? I do. I am having trouble getting in, which is highly annoying. Especially since I see no reason why. I have been getting in, so why can’t I now? And haven’t been able to for some time now.
Only just now I realized what at least one layer of the problem is. I lack focus. I am presently absorbed by the fact that my dog is old and most likely am going to die in a fairly near future. I am dealing with it best as I can, but it does remove my focus from pretty much everything else.
I also realized something else, which is, too, quite annoying – especially since I cannot foretell the result of it. And that is it seems like I am going through some kind of more serious change. For a few months I have been experiencing – another sort of lacking. There are things breaking on me (my car, for example) and I have problems letting go of these things. Why? Because I do want a car, and when the one I already have is gone I have no idea of how to finance another.
So – I am lacking focus. And I don’t really know how to get a hold of it again.
Or, well, I do. And maybe I would, if the remote to my big screen hadn’t broken – which means if I want to practise yoga, I have to do it in the kitchen where I have my computer. And seriously; practising yoga in my small kitchen feels… ridiculous and un-practical.
I recognize the situation fairly for what it is. Transformation. Me and my dog have had a stormy, yet awesome relationship for ten years. We are slowly reaching its end, and that in itself is one hell of a transformation – at least for me. I need to find a new identity without her, and that is actually quite hard.
But I can’t help but ask myself – what if I let go. What if I let go of everything that seems to want to get out of my life? My car, for example. Maybe its presence is hindering something else (another car, perhaps) to come into my life. And yet – bloody hell, it’s difficult.
Another thing I find annoying with this is that the concept of me being whole, piece by piece, is falling apart. I am not scattered – not at all. But my perception of myself is that there’s a volcano on the inside of me, ready to burst at any moment. And I don’t really know where to go from this point on.
I don’t doubt that I can get out of this frustrated, unfocused state at some point. But I do understand that the one thing stopping me most effectively is my fear of not being able to. And quite frankly; how annoying is that? 🙁