So, I told you my birthday was coming up. It has now passed, and I am a whole year wiser over night. 😉 Jokes aside; I also told you that I wanted to celebrate this with some sort of ritual/ceremony. I did, although it turned out a bit shorter than I planned, due to lack of sleep and worrying about my dog.
Another thing I’ve written about is that I use my water colour painting as a channel for my shamanic work. To me, it is a beautiful way of visualizing whatever is on my mind and giving it shape so I have something to focus on.
So, this whole year so far I’ve been thinking about how to find exactly what I am scared of, and how to release these fears. Therefore, it seemed quite appropriate to focus this birthday ritual on this. I did two paintings which are strongly focused on these things.
Let me tell you a bit more about them.
What you see above is a representation of myself and the reflection of myself that I see when looking at me through the eyes of society. If you think of a Tarot deck, I’d say my reflection is that of the Devil. Not a very pleasant reflection. Especially when you don’t really recognize yourself in it. And the difference between the real me and my reflection is quite grande, don’t you think?
So I realize that I really do need to work on this. I need to start seeing something else – and that in itself will, I believe, start a series of actions and reactions that will manifest themselves positively in my life. I don’t know how to do this yet, exactly, but somehow I’ll get there in the end.
Another thing that I painted was the tight know of pain that I carry around. It’s like a shell – maybe it’s me curling myself around old pain that I don’t necessarily have to protect any more.
Both of these two subjects are quite heavy. I don’t particularily like working with either of them, but then again – since I do want to make progress, I don’t really have any choice. I’ve been stuck in a place where I don’t want to be for too long, so it’s time to get the work done. Or at least to start working on it.
And I am. One of my best friends told me that it shows that I am working with and on myself. I cannot even begin to express how pleased I am to hear that. Because while I can feel it, I would never have guessed anyone else had noticed.
What I, however, do enjoy, is the thought of me aside from working with what I don’t want, also am about to start working with what I do want. Who do I want to be? How do I want to present myself, both to myself and to the rest of the world? Which parts of me do I want to express?
I find it extraordinarily exciting.
Oh, and speaking of tarot – I actually think I am going to use it to keep working with my water colours and in creating the person I want to be, and the life I want to live.