More on fear
So, I only just now realized that there are two things in real, actual time, that scares the shit out of me at the moment. One of them has to do with freedom, the other one with relations. Both of them are equally scary, but in different ways.
Freedom can be percieved and acted on in different ways. To me, freedom has very much to do with a couple of things; money and the ability to go where you want to. Without money, you can do pretty much nothing. The society is built around money – and unless you want to walk to another city to meet a friend you haven’t met in a long time, or want to eat the least healthy (and cheapest!) food you can find et cetera, you can’t get anywhere without money.
So money is freedom, in a rather strong way I would say (and many, with me).
As for going where you want to – there are your feet. There’s the bike, if you have one. There’s the train and the bus. And then, there’s the car. For me, having a car makes it possible for me to go pretty much anywhere I want to. Given the limits of how much gas I can fill it with, of course, but still.
At the moment, I am in the position where I have to destroy my car – literally. It is out of order in ways I cannot justify the finances needed to fix it. The car is old, it has served me well, but it’s time for it to die. Unfortunately, at this very moment I don’t have the money to buy a new car. I have, all by myself, decided that the money I need will come to me when I need them (next week) and there is another car waiting for me (and really, there is).
On my first journey, I met an eagle. To me, he stands very much for freedom. Freedom is also one of the main reasons I live this life. I believe very strongly that I am here to learn how to achieve, live and deal with freedom – on every level. On some of these levels, I would say that I have achieved at least some level of freedom. Being an adult orphan, I now have the freedom of being me, authentically, and I am. I will always grow, but I am authentic to a larger degree than I have ever been.
So I need to figure out how to transform and manifest my personal freedom into a more physical freedom, where I am unlimited when it comes to money, the means to travel, how and where to live, et cetera. Freedom and safety are both very, very important terms in my book.
I have a dog (German shepherd) and two cats. My dog is ten years old, and it’s showing. Actually, it’s showing to the degree where I, since about a month back or so, am beginning to realize it’s getting closer to the end. I’m not talking about the end as in tomorrow, but as on the inside of maybe six months. I got the first sign about a month ago, where I experienced the feeling of her beginning to let go of her body. I can’t explain it in any other way; it was like she was undoing the first hooks between soul and body. Naturally, that had me broken for several days.
My oldest cat is around eleven years old. She too is showing signs of being less and less physically fit. She can’t jump up on things like she used to, she’s clumsy and heavy with weak hind legs, and… well.
When I was younger, I didn’t want to have any pets because sooner or later, they do leave you. And since they have shorter lifespans than we do, they tend to leave us before we die. I have changed the way I feel about the matter, but the fact remains. They do leave us. And me, being terrified of loosing relations and being left behind – do I need to say anything more?
On this matter, I am not only afraid of the loss at hand. I am also afraid that when the time comes, I won’t have the means to go to the vet to help my babies pass. I don’t want to stand there knowing it needs to be done but not having the money to do it.
I am, however, glad for two things at this specific moment. I am glad that I do face my fear – both of the ones I am writing about today. I am glad that I do cry in front of my dog (she hates it when I cry or sneeze), and I am so very happy that just for once, today, she did not bolt on me like she usually does.
I came to think of all this when I was walking my dog, just before I started writing this. And I was thinking that maybe all these things are some kind of preparation for the death/rebirth rituals on my birthday, where releasing my fears is a key part.
I’ll keep you updated on thought processes, and birthday plans! ♥