So, my birthday is on monday (early friday morning now). I’ve been thinking to and fro on what to do to celebrate myself in a way that feels honest and true to and for myself. Not the easiest task, especially not when so much has been forgotten during my many years unfit due to my bipolar disorder.
I stopped giving promises for New Years a long time ago. I never keep them, so I don’t see any point in giving them. I do, however, give myself a theme, sort of, to live by during the year to come. This year, I decided to begin releasing my fears because it is extraordinarily tiresome being afraid all the time. This was before I was told by my inner self or who/whatever it was that said to me that I needed to start painting and study/practise shamanism again. I had no idea of exactly how I was going about this huge task I had put before me, but it seemed like a good thing to do for myself.
Then came this… order, for myself. I can’t find a better word for it, really. An order. A demand. Not a question. Do this, that voice said to me. Start doing these things – now.
And so I did, and here I am. I am wibbling and wobbling back and forth, and I believe that the resistance that I feel is very deeply grounded in fear. I am afraid of a lot of things, and they very effectively stand in my way to go into the shamanic practise the way I want to.
And guess what. My birthday’s coming up on monday. And my birthday is the only day during the whole year that I feel is worth celebrating extensively. I couldn’t care less for the rest of the holidays, but on my birthday (quite obviously) I was born. I was born on this day, and that is absolutely amazing. It’s a bloody miracle, if you ask me. And that is worth celebrating. I am worth being celebrated.
I have no immediate family anymore, so I rely on two things for my birthday celebrations. Myself, and my friends. I am being celebrated by friends on monday and next saturday, but I also do want to do something for and with myself this time. It is, I believe, the first time I feel complete to a degree I have never ever experienced before. Complete and concious. So some kind of shamanic work seems only appropriate on this special day.
I’ve been asking around in the only swedish Facebook group for shamanism that I’m in, on how I could perform any rituals or ceremonies fitting for a birthday. My main goal is a sort of death (of fear)/re-birth process, and I couldn’t come up with any ideas for it. In the group, one person critizised me and pretty much accused me for being a follower if I couldn’t find answers within myself. The rest gave me beautiful suggestions, but also the advice to do only what feels good and right for me.
And that’s a go. I’ll never do anything that does not feel right for me. I can’t. And I mean that – I can’t. It’s impossible. I would feel stupid and ridiculous and like I was lying to myself. And I need this to be honest and true and authentic to myself, otherwise there’s no point to it, whatsoever.
I have a little better idea of what to do, now that I’ve had more time to think, and a little advice from very kind people. I am actually very pleased with that, because as I wrote earlier – I need to remember how this is done. I’ve done many things before, but that was a long, long time ago. So much time has passed, so many memories of what can be done has vanished, so I need to be reminded. If anyone of you who helped me read this, please know that you have my gratitude.
What I can tell you now is that my rituals/ceremony/whatever to call it, will most likely be rather spontaneous. It will contain the elements to a rather large degree, I believe. Due to weather and lack of good and safe access to nature (ie; not being disturbed and not disturbing anyone), I am going to perform most, if not all of this, indoors.
It will also include watercolour. Some of the things I do on the inside of this birthday celebration, is to paint with my watercolours. Not sure of what, exactly, but painting will be done. I may even show you guys if you’re interested and it feels like it’s ok.
When I first started thinking about this I felt like I had to have such a good, grand plan for this. As I’ve gone through the thought process, I’ve come to realize that I don’t. I’ll just take the day as it comes and put in a little bit here and there. It will be amazing.