Sometimes, I feel like I’m trying more than I am capable of. Today’s one good example of that. But I am set on ridding myself of this constant fear I have – not as in the psychological phenomena of general anxiety, but rather a very basic fear that doesn’t really make itself known in any other way than that I unconciously choose not to do certain things (many things, really) because I am scared of the result.
This is part of my physical fire ceremony/ritual, where I burn the cage for my monster
of fear, as to release it and let it go. This is a task that will take several days to finish.
This is how I combine my shamanic practise with my water colour painting.
So I almost decided the other day that I wouldn’t do any journeys for a couple of days. But then, for some reason, I decided to do one today anyway. Yeah, I’m not very obedient, I’ll give you that.
I very quickly decided what to do. I called the elements to aid me in the work of removing my fear. On my way into the journey, I chanted something like this…
I call upon fire to burn away my fears. I call upon the air to remove the ashes. I call upon water to wash away the remains and into the soil. I call upon the earth to push the ashes upwards and grow it into positive energy instead.
It took me a while to get inside, but once there I found myself standing surrounded by fire. A metaphore of what I was doing is removing thumbtacks from my heart, throwing them into the fire. I did that for quite some time, and then I was thrown aside when a Phoenix began unfolding from within. The Phoenix’s wings shattered a lot of the residue of thumbstacks and what not. And then, there was also the lioness who also grew out of my heart.
In all honesty, I’m not sure that either of these creatures are power animals – at least not mine. But what I learnt from the Phoenix (and even this is more of a reminder than anything else) is that everything moves in cycles. We are born into any situation, we grow, and then we die. And then, from the ashes of our own death, we rise again. And that just keeps happening, over and over again.
So I suppose one of my tasks from now on is to keep a close eye on those cycles and to work with them rather than against them, or not anything at all.
The lioness told me that she is to be called upon when I feel weak and need to remember that I am in control of the situation I am in. I find the Phoenix was more clear on the message – I didn’t quite get the lioness, but surely I’ll find out sooner or later what we can do for each other.
I also did see She Who Was Me again, but a very short visit. I think she only wanted to show me something I’ve been wanting for a couple of days. I wanted to see into my spiritual mirror, to see if there’s anything there that I don’t know about, that I want to change or remove… And to my surprise, I looked at that image of myself and realized – I am beautiful.
Seriously, peeps, that’s big news to me. I work very hard on being a good human being, a good person, but there’s quite the difference between working on it and being it.
Do I believe that this was actually done?
Not sure. As with some of my previous journeys, I felt emotionally detached. I didn’t get upset, I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel pretty much anything. This is one of the reasons why I believe that this will take quite some time to get this work done. I’ll most likely have to do a number of journeys working with this – preferably until I actually, truly, do release the fear and let go of it.
And I do intend to feel it. Really feel it. If I don’t, then I cannot believe that anything has been properly done. I can’t lie to myself, pretending I am rid of my fears when truly I’m not. And I don’t believe that the work is done so easily. Say something and you’re free – no, I don’t think that’s how this works.
And yes, I do demand a lot. Of myself, mainly. That’s how I roll.