I was around thirteen years old when I first realized there was something wrong with my mother. She couldn’t provide a normal, healthy family situation for me or my siblings on her side. My father had just met the woman he would spend the rest of his life with, and I suddenly saw the difference in what “normal” is.
For as long as I can remember, my father has told me that I am so much like my mother. He always said that with his upper lip curled up, eyebrows low and stern, and loads of blame in his voice. As a result, I have been deeply ashamed and have felt enormous guilt of being my mothers’ daughter. Not much I could do about it, though. So I had to live with dad telling me how wrong I was to be like my mother.
I don’t really feel guilty about being a woman per se. However; I do realize that although I’ve done extensive emotional work on the issue of my mother, I may still be feeling guilt and shame of being born by her specifically. In an odd mind-twist, that does put shame on being the daughter (woman) of a woman.
This shame and this guilt is what has prevented me from having children of my own. One reason is I am not particularily fond of (young) children, but the main reason is that I don’t want to carry on the social, psychological and emotional legacy I have from (mainly) my mother.
I have never doubted that I, as a woman, has power. Nor have I doubted that I can draw power from everything that is around me. I have a strong belief that women as a group are very, very powerful. Through the way our bodies work – both as sexual beings and as the creator of life, we are powerful and amazing beings. I don’t think all women can draw from this raw power energy field – mainly because I think most of us have forgotten how. But those of us who can – I do believe there is true magic, right there.
In that, I have never doubted that I can draw from this power. However; I have written numerous times on the difficulties I have reaching it when having pms or being on my period. This post is about any blockings I have that prevents me from accessing that power.
Little did I realize that the book I began writing before christmas would be a part of my shamanic work. The book is about my growing up with two people who were each others complete opposites when it comes to viewing life, priorities, parenting abilities, et cetera. The story is not a fairytale, but rather a dark nightmare. It’s a lifelong struggle of finding and maintaining a sense of self. And a lifelong struggle against the shame and guilt and blame given by both parents on behalf of the other.
I am viewing this book as a tool for the shamanic work I am doing. It is a way of getting rid of some of the shame and guilt, to extracting it and pushing it out of my system. It’s not enough to get rid of the blockings, but – one tool among many.
When it comes to the shamanic work, I think I may have to start the attempt to find my ancestors and begin resolving any issues that are still in action. I have no idea of how I am going to do this, but I have faith I’ll find a way.
Because now that I have decided that I want to do walk the shaman path, I want to do it fully. And I want to do it truthfully – pretending does no good, and that will only provide me with something to lie to myself about. Not good enough. It needs to be done properly, if done at all.
Which leads me to something that I learnt from my father – scepticism. Hardcore scepticism. It is frustrating as hell, learning and practising scepticism when you actually do like, enjoy and believe in that which you’re sceptic about. My dad never believed in anything but the material, physical world. My mothers’ bookshelves were full of help-to-selfhelp-books, and she believed in many things my dad did not. Spending most of my time with dad, obviously I am conflicted and torn between what I believe in, and what many people would call healthy scepticism.
I realize that I have a lot to do when it comes to these issues of shame, guilt, and deserving. And perhaps not all of it is tied to me being a woman. I do know I have many blockings in general, that prevents me from accessing the other world properly. Not sure of how to do it yet, obviously, but somehow I’ll figure out a way to resolve all this.
Because I want this. I have wanted this my entire life, I just hid it so well I didn’t realize it myself. And I know the connection is there. I know it’s all there – I just need to remove the barriers I put up, to gain access.
And you know what? I bloody deserve this. I deserve the opportunity to be me. I deserve having the life I want – and the life I am supposed to have. I deserve much more than is present in my life at the moment. So much more.
So – although it’s late and I am still on my period, I am going on a journey right now. I am going to ask how to find my ancestors and begin this process. I am tired of waiting, I am tired of always feeling put aside.
Oh, and I am also going to create the first ever, birthday ceremoney for myself, since I have my birthday coming up in about a month. Never done that before, and I am so looking forward to it.
Wish me luck! ♥