I think I can only attribute this to my previous (many!) years with real suffering from bipolar disorder, and the present heat. There is this thing with my wanting help to sort out the practical/material consequences of my bipolar disorder (the swedish term “god man” that I’ve written about earlier). I have very mixed feelings about this, which results in me recieving very mixed signals about my wanting this.
On the one hand
I prefer to look upon myself as being less and less dominated by my bipolar disorder, going deeper and deeper into recovery. I like to think of myself as a person who, eventually, will live life as it’s supposed to be lived.
On the other hand
I do have mental and cognitive consequences from my bipolar disorder that prevents me from getting things done. That’s why I feel the need to get help, so I can move forward – at all.
Now; these two opposites mess up my thoughts and feelings about this whole thing. A week ago I recieved a thick letter about this, which I am supposed to hand in a written opinion about in a week (at the latest). I’ve spent pretty much all week thinking about this, and not in a positive way, let me tell you. I’ve been wondering why I am constantly being questioned by the office working with this, why I am not allowed this and that when I feel that I very much want it, et cetera. It wasn’t until yesterday when I recieved another letter which was much more positive, that I finally felt that it’s almost a done deal.
So – from giving and receiving mixed signals, I now intend to send out the message that I can get any help that I want. That I already have it, and that the result of it is going to be absolutely awesome. It may be that I could achieve the result by myself – but since we, after all, do live in a physical reality, I do admit to my limitations. I don’t really dare to do it by myself due to the risks of failure, and it actually is a question about life and death for me.
So this is really, really important to me.
I’m actually very pleased that I managed to find my way back so quickly. Obstacles like these have a tendency of weighing very heavily on me, and if I’m unlucky, for a very long time. A week is nothing, compared to what it could’ve been. Hopefully, in the future, these periods of time will be shorter and shorter, and if I’m lucky enough, may not be at all.
And I like feeling like a winner. I enjoy feeling like there’s no stopping me. I love the feeling that the world is mine to do whatever I please with. That the road is open and clear, that every choice is available to me.
And in whichever way I manage/get help to change my present situation into a better one – once that’s done, I can do anything.
Can’t wait! ♥