I find myself in a very tricky situation. I wrote about it earlier – the Swedish phenomenon called “god man” – a function provided by the state, giving people suffering from a variety of illnesses that prevent them from taking care of themselves, someone to do it for them. And by taking care of themselves, I mean their financial situation.
Today, I recieved a large envelope with content regarding my application to get this kind of help. Now, for those of you who don’t know, I have many financial consequences from having lived with my bipolar disorder untreated for many years. The situation may not seem particularily tricky on the surface, but once you start digging, it’s a mess. Add to that the fact that I happen to be rather intelligent, fairly good at expressing myself in speech and with the written word – and voíla, people think that I am not, or have not been, in such bad shape as I’ve actually been.
So what’s happening is that the state office that assigns these “gode män” refuses to assign the person who I want to help me. There are many reasons for that, none of which are decent in my opinion. They also keep on saying that the consequences of my bipolar disorder are easy to overcome, that I don’t need this help to do that, and overall, my experience of their response to me as quite harsch. And I’m telling you; the only reason for it is that they don’t want to assign this person who happens to be a professional at what s/he does. I am supposed to leave a response to this letter I recieved today within two weeks.
So where do I land in this?
First, I got mad. No, not mad. Sad, actually. Then mad – so mad I could hardly sleep (but then I said to myself – let’s sleep first, then I can get mad, when I wake up). Now, I’m mostly frustrated, in so many ways.
I am frustrated from several perspectives, actually.
I am frustrated from a reality-check-perspective, because I want and need help with all these consequences. I have no idea where to start or how to do it, and they reach further than I can grasp at times. I need someone to help me undo this mess, so I can move on from this perspective.
I am also frustrated from a LOA perspective, because I don’t know how I’ve manifested lately to get this result. On the one hand, I see myself at a fairly high level of recovery when it comes to my bipolar disorder, my sugar addiction et cetera. On the other hand, there are still the consequences, and they won’t just vanish and disappear in thin air – from a reality-check-perspective. And I am not good enough at the LOA to magically make it disappear in no time – yet.
So at the moment, I have thousands of questions that race through my head. Should I accept the fact that I am not bipolar enough to recieve the help that I need and want? Should I start thinking of myself as recovered to such a degree that I can start helping myself (and quite possibly fail to do so due to not-knowing-how-to-do-it et cetera)?
How do I balance the, after all, very human need for help and accepting my need for it (which I actually did a long time ago), against my feeling of being recovered? Whatever I choose to do will influence the way I respond to this letter I recieved today. And I really, really don’t know.
So – I’m frustrated. I’m slightly mad. I’m extremely annoyed at these people. I am also frustrated at myself because I can’t really figure out how this fits into my manifestation of life. It’s not the first time I applied for this – I’ve had two of these “gode män” before, so that’s not the problem. The problem is this specific person, and I want no other than exactly that person.
How does this work? Should I give in or give up? I don’t get it.
The only good thing that comes from this is the spark of anger. Lately, due to heat, pms and so on, I’ve felt rather indifferent. Now, at least there’s a spark of anger, frustration et cetera, that can fuel my desire for change, evolution and expansion in my life.
It actually does piss me off when the two sides of me crash like this. What’s happening right now is the result of what happened before – quite literally. And it does not compare to the image of myself that I have now. At all, actually. It also pisses me off when the image of myself that I have does not match the image of me that others have. Doesn’t really matter how the image is, but it annoys me that it’s not the same – or at least similar.
So the challenge I have before me is to make these two parts of me work together. I have no idea of how, but I want them to. I’m sure I’ll come up with something in time, but it’s annoying to be in this emotional state. I don’t like it – and that’s the contrast I can work from. I suppose that’s a good thing, but right now, it mostly is annoying.
Now; this is a very typical situation where I would start questioning the LOA and wonder what the hell I did wrong. Oh, I still do wonder where I went wrong, or for how long I’ll have to pay for the mistakes I did a long, long time ago. But since I do intend to turn my life around into something positive and constructive, I am not going to give up. Not sure of how to proceed, not reality-check-wise, nor LOA-wise. But somehow, this has to work out in a way that is benefitial to me.
So, I think the first thing I am going to do, is finding the positive in this. How can I see this in a positive way? How can I turn it into something positive? I’ll allow myself to be pissed off, frustrated, mad, annoyed, for a while. But then, I need to start changing my perception of it.
Wish me luck.