Have versus have not
All right, so I figured I’d write a post about the contrast (a word and concept which I like when it comes to the LOA) between what I have and what I do not yet have. I’m not really sure of what’ll come out of it yet, but let’s get started and we’ll see, no? 🙂
So, pretty much my entire life up until this point belongs to the stuff that I do not want. Lucky me, it’s behind me, so I no longer have it. In one sense, I’d say that I presently live in some kind of limbo, though, not sure of which direction I want to go.
But – let’s get down to business. There are a few things that I actually do have, but where I want changes to arise and manifest.
I live in the same apartment where I’ve lived for the past 16 years. SIXTEEN bloody years. When I moved in I was sure not to live here longer than maybe five years. Unfortunately, my bipolar disorder, my financial disaster et cetera, made a very effective stopper to whatever plans I had back then. But – the fact remains; I do have somewhere to live. It’s too small, too poorly planned, I don’t like the hallway and I dislike the bathroom (both are long corridors), but I actually do have somewhere to keep myself, the dog and the cats, and all my stuff.
That’s a really, really good thing.
What I want, however, is something different than what I actually have. I want to have a larger place to live. I want space for my hobbies, and as it is right now, there’s not enough of that space. So – larger apartment, or preferably a cottage or smaller house. Preferably again, with some kind of garden – I want to grow some stuff.
I could go on forever on how I want to live (and I already have several times on this blog), but there are few other things I’d like to adress as well. 😀
I already have the most wonderful, amazing pets. I have two cats who I adore, although one of them can be quite mischievious from time to time. I also have a dog who I adore, and who adores me back. I don’t think even my dad adored and loved me more than she does.
Now, I don’t need more than two cats – but I do want at least one more dog (depending on how I live), so I would like to find myself in the company of one really large dog (the breed I’ve written of earlier; Estrela mountain dog). Preferably before Ella (the one I have) needs to leave me for good, so she can help me raise the new one. ♥
Since I broke up with and threw out my ex partner, I’ve not been ready to have another. I’ve dated casually couple of times, but nothing really happened. I’ve also spent too much time handling my bipolar disorder, so I haven’t really had time or energy to spend on someone else but myself.
It’s only the last six or so months, that I’ve begun thinking that maybe it’d be nice having someone around. I’ve had a very hard time picturing myself with someone, but it’s getting easier by the day. Instead of saying a 100% NO, I am now at… say, 50/50% yes/no. A maybe, sort of. 😀 No, not even that. I do want a partner. I am just not 100% that I am 100% ready yet, but I am also thinking it’ll figure itself out whenever it happens.
To my surprise, I am to and fro realizing that I actually do have money. Maybe not the amount that I want, but I do have money. I’ve lived for so long with the idea that I never have enough money, but – I do. I have enough money to go by, and to get at least some of the things that I want, one by one.
The contrast lies in the amount of money. I want more – all the time, I want more. But then again, to my surprise, I always do get more. Always. It is rarely an occasion where I haven’t been able to get what I want – and that, let me tell you, is bloody amazing. Of course, the things that I want may be small compared to what they could be – but still.
Well, like everyone else, I do have a health. A health, mind you. It could be better, but it could also be considerably worse. I consider myself lucky to have this body which – like everyone else, can be improved, but it has helped me get to where I am, no matter what the journey has been like.
I don’t want to be an elite, professional sportswoman – not at all, actually. But I do want my body to be in as good a shape as it can be. I want to be strong, flexible – and beautiful.
So – there’s that. These are some of the things that I have, and do not have. 😀 I’ll most likely dive deeper into some of them as I blog along. Join me! 🙂