Memory of fear
Since this is a new beginning for me, I realize there’s need to rid myself of a lot of old habits when it comes to my thoughts and how I feel about things. It’ll make my journey a bit wibbly-wobbly in the beginning, but that’s fine. I am working myself through a whole shitload of self-insights and selfknowledge right now, and it’s absolutely amazing.
One of the things I need to learn how to relate to and feel differently about, is my fear. I have lived a whole life (42 years) in fear. Not as in anxiety, but rather fear or loosing that which I have. Especially the last 10 – 15 years of my life, this has been especially strong. I have lost almost everything – people, pets, money, material stuff, and much, much more. This is due to my bipolar disorder and when it had me in a strong hold, I didn’t know how to control my life in a normal matter. There are many reasons for this, none of which belongs here.
Now that I have reached this level of recovery, I notice that I keep the memory of this fear rather close. I can’t see it would be weird or wrong that I do – after all; having lived my life, who wouldn’t!? I am, however, glad that I realize this is the case, because knowing what’s wrong is essential to changing it.
Actually, it’s kind of amusing. It’s like living in the memory of fear. I am just on the verge of entering this whole, new, amazing world of creation, and one of the things still holding me back from crashing on is this memory of fear (and a few other things). I can see myself standing on the edge of yesterday, halfway through to tomorrow, but not really daring. But I’m almost there, so I am not worried at all.
But I do realize that there are things holding me back. The more I think about it, though, the more I feel myself letting go of the old and making room for the new. I have been wanting change for so many years, but I wasn’t ready for it and I knew it. That’s one kind of frustration I don’t wish upon anyone.
Since gratitude is the key to everything, this is what I am grateful for today;
- I am thankful for the fact that I have reached a level of recovery where I am actually capable of beginning to create a life for myself.
- I am thankful that I came up with the idea of starting this blog, and that I already had the domain for it without even thinking about it at first.
- I am also enormously grateful for my own understanding, accepting and forgiving myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life.
These three things, and many more, are more than essential for me, my recovery and my future ability to create and entertain the path I wish my life to take.
Join me on my journey of manifesting the life I want and finally am beginning to see and understand that I deserve. ♥